June 2014 Back to the Unknown

Do you ever have that feeling? The feeling where you just don't know why, but you feel nervous and that feeling that kind of pushes down your joy. It tries to keep a lid on your happiness and keep that smile off your face? It's that not quite butterfly feeling but almost sick to your stomach feeling. The feeling that something bad might happen, that you have no control over. I assume this is what it feels like to be a foster mom sometimes. Because it is sure what it feels like to be a foster Auntie at times! After our family went through so much in the past couple years, the feeling that I talk about is not new to me anymore but obviously it's not one that I like. Some people (maybe you) live with this feeling all the time. I'm so sorry about that. 

Being a foster auntie or a foster grandma or foster anybody who loves that new child in their life not only has this feeling for this foster child, but also for the foster parents. It's tough to see my sister in the familiar state of waiting again. She, and all of us, are continually trusting that the Lord has this Sunshine Baby in his hands. But it's hard. Not knowing if a family member is going and end up taking her in a few weeks or if she's with the F family for a few more months and the mom takes her back. Will she be ok? How confusing it will be for her? These were all calculated risks that the F family took but now dealing with a real life girl is even harder. 

All the not knowing where this situation is going is just like H's pregnancy. It could be this or that. It could be ghastly or it could be a great outcome for everyone... it's just unknown. 

The real prayer request at this point is for a breakthrough in this case. Is it going to be reconciliation or adoption? The F family's prayer is that the courts/ powers that be, would begin start doing what's best for the Sunshine Baby- period. Not what's best for the foster family or the bio parents or the system- what's best for her. It seems like rules and other people's feelings/opinions don't match with what would be best for her.

Another prayers request is that the bio parent will agree to let her go on a couple trips for weddings with the F family instead of having to be placed with ANOTHER foster family while they are gone for the family weddings. My sister is just so stressed to think of her having more change with strangers for a few overnights. This Sunshine Baby has really adjusted so well and they love her being a part of their family. 

Send up some prayers for our 'little' sister Tob who is expecting her first son in July: safe end of her pregnancy and delivery.

Philipians 4:4-9 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

March 27, 2014 Sunshine, God's Child

 Sunshine or God's Child is what her name means! 

How truly she fits her name's meaning.  

For those of you wondering how it's going with this new baby girl...'shockingly great.'She loves all the family and friends that she's met. She's sleeping really well and a bit of a picky eater (like any 1 year old). She's attached well to Havah as her Foster Mama. Friends have given them clothes to go on that adorable girl but if you want to get her anything Havah is registered at Target.

March 2014 Best Day Ever!

So it happened, this family had the 'Best Day Ever!' as Hav would say. After 24 days of being approved our very first foster baby came into our family's life- today was a very exciting day. At this point it is temporary but of course their hearts desire would be for this to be a permanent situation. This precious little girl is so sweet and just being loved on by the whole family. They're meeting with the social worker tonight and Havah might get a few more details as to how this will go. Everyone's trying not to get too excited but in the meantime there is a precious new foster daughter/foster sister/foster granddaughter/foster cousin/foster neice and we are loving it! Continue to pray for God's perfect will for this little girl and this family. 

If you are wanting to get them something, they are registered at Target! 

February 2014 Love is in the air!!

Join us in praying for this new season in this special family's journey!!!

January 2014 New Year, New You

New Year, New You.

This is the title of a teaching my sister did at our small group to start the year. She said the Lord has something new for each of us this year. Ask him what that is. Is it a goal? Is it healing? Whatever that is seek the Lord and go for it into 2014. 

Well, very new things are happening for this family. 

Tim has recently stepped into the senior pastor position at our church The Father's House. This is an exciting time for the whole family but also brings new challenges with energy and time. Your prayers are appreciated for all of us (my hubby is the new Associate Pastor too).

There has been a lot of healing inside and out. I am very happy to say that Havah is completely off of her pain medication! She still has some weird pain and weakness and stiffness in her leg and foot. She has depressing days or weeks but the Lord carries her through each one. They don't call it the grieving process for nothing...

The family is about to be put on the list for foster to adopt for baby 0 to 3 through the county of Los Angeles. So the past few months have been full of rearranging the house, organizing, paperwork, training, praying, interviews, soul searching, baby proofing and waiting... They've been very prayerful in this whole entire process knowing that a child could be with them for a short time or forever. They are excited to the possibility of being able to love and minister to these kids. The weird thing is that Havah turned in the application 9 months ago!!!! So you can understand why she now feels like a mom in her 9th month of pregnancy eagerly awaiting her baby. 

So it's my youngest baby's 1st birthday party today. We are so excited to celebrate him. He's such a joy and blessing to us. The weird thing is at this landmark I reflect on the loss of Elisha. I see an empty place and I re-feel moments of that whirlwind day when we almost lost Havah to heaven too. Not a day goes by that I'm not thanking The Lord that my #bfffb (best friend forever from birth) is here and doing great. I think about my pregnancy with baby J and I realize the guilt I felt. I didn't even feel like I could decorate his room till he was like 2 months old. I felt no motivation for it but just like God is, he took me to a level of healing one day & I became inspired to get it ready for him. That process of decorating and painting was a step in healing for me. Thanks for letting me write this, for reading it, praying for all of us, and helping me heal. That seems selfish since I didn't lose my son at 39 weeks and I day or almost die but I know I was traumatized too. In all this rambling I say thank you Lord for baby J and the healing you have brought us through his life! 

I'm sure Tobreah could say something similar as she goes through the ups and downs emotionally of her first pregnancy. Thrilled but terrified at the same time that history will repeat itself like it can. But The Lord is in control and we sit in his loving hands because that's the only truly safe place to be. 

-Kahanah 

Big Sister, wife, mama, daughter, believer

Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Proverbs 21:21 ESV

I got this text from Tobreah after I posted the blog:

This is totally God's perfect timing that you wrote this. On Wednesday night during worship at small group, I had a very emotional time with God about this very thing. He revealed to me that I'm a lot more scared then I'm leading on. Before I found out I was pregnant it was our prayer week for Homestead and Tim text me with this verse "Don't yield to your fear, for The Lord has found delight in you and has chosen to surprise you with a wonderful gift." God reminded me yet again about that promise. Even though we still don't understand why this all happened, I know that God has and will continue to fulfill his promises, and specifically when he promised The Felkers that "everything will be ok". Anyone who enters their home is blessed, so what a blessing for these babies that will be able to be a part of the family. 

Beautifully written as always big sis. Love you. T

August 2013 You take a sad song and make it a joyful noise again...

You take a sad song and make it a joyful noise again. 

Psalms 119:1-8 You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him. That’s right—you don’t go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set. You, God, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets  in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;  I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me.

Elisha's sweet prints and urn his daddy made.

You take a sad song.

Elisha Richard Felker would have been 1 year on Friday, August 9, 2013.

There's so many words but even this infinite blank page can't even hold them. There are so many directions this post could take. The loss of Elisha and the seriousness of what happened to Havah comes like waves over all of us; reliving the moments that took place and the pain. It hits her and Tim at the most unexpected times. The gravity of loss and the blessing is sometimes overwhelming. Hav says that she knows she was meant to be pregnant with him but it hurts just the same. All he ever knew was love. He never had his feelings hurt or fell down. He never struggled with any sin or ever felt shame. He has always known love, light, peace... He took a short cut to what we all look forward to. 

She still has the physical effects of the ordeal: pain in her leg and foot is better and she is lowering the nerve pain. She has improved so much and walks without a limp (unless she's really tired). As for her heart, it is still broken but healing everyday.

You make it a joyful noise again. 

Havah is still here to be a wife, to mother her kids, to be a sister, a daughter, an auntie, a friend, a daycare provider, a minster, a hostess, a prayer warrior, an empathizer, an encourager, a jokester, a giver, a party thrower, a gardener, a maid, a short order cook, a healer, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a dreamer.

Havah is here and she is grateful.

Havah, Tim, and their minions
Kirah and Zeke as he turned 6!

She got to throw Kirah a party for her 7th birthday and watched her get a prestigious academic award at school (2nd grade). She got to watch our sister Tobreah walk down the aisle and be in her wedding. She watched Zeke learn to ride a two wheeler and was there when he lost his first tooth. She started a home group this past January (Homestead) with Tim at their house and it has played a big part in her growth and healing. She got to watch her nephew Judah Richard be born and laugh/cry as we all met him. She's seen the kids grow and change. She sees how loving, caring, and amazing they are. She's seen them have a very mature and sweet understanding of heaven and the realness of it. They talk about the fun Elisha is having.

She's been enjoying every part of the summer; soaking up the sun and playing with the kids. She is still continually blown away by how nice and caring everyone has been to her. It has truly blessed her beyond words. She knew people loved her but had no idea how how much until this year. She's been trying to uncover feelings and just digging into the nature of God. She's finding what he has for her life and trying to find her identity in him. She's loved having our cousin Robin be around this summer. She's also been able to love our Auntie Judy in a deeper way after she also suffered an immeasurable loss this past Fall.

She says she's, "Just ready for this big milestone to be over and to continue to grow our family thru adoption. When feeling sad I often try to take a breath and sit back and picture Elisha and all of the fun and joy he is experiencing in Heaven with so many other amazing loved ones we have lost along the way. And that usually cheers me up. I long for the care free lifestyle hanging out with the Son of God! Please keep praying for us."  

This week they will be meeting with a social worker to get going on the adoption process. They are very excited (and a little nervous) to see what the Lord has!

Thank you all,

K

Click on this for the inspiration of this post- listen to the whole thing or go to the 16th min. You take a sad song and make a joyful noise again

April 2013

Tim and Havah
Easter 2013

I was going to write a post on February 2nd but it got too emotional so I stopped...now it's almost May! Time sure flies.

Havah is still recovering from the ordeal. She started back at physical therapy last week and has been lowering her nerve meds. She still gets tired easier and sometimes she over does it with her 'bad foot.' Recovery of the heart, soul, & spirit is still underway and some days are harder than others. They wanted to be a family of five and have the opportunity to have a 3rd child but it just didn't work out as planned. They are praying that adoption will work out for them some day (hopefully sooner than later) so they can add even more love to their family. She has also working more hours watching the kids at her home childcare.

On February 7th Havah welcomed her nephew Judah Richard into the world (middle name after his grandpa and his cousin Elisha). This was obviously not a normal birth experience for us all after what we had all been through months before. It was filled with different feelings- excitement of course but also anxiety to return to the labor and delivery floor where it all took place on exactly 6 months before Judah's due date. Lucky for us, he came on the 7th so it wasn't exactly 6 months later. It was hard for all of us to go there (I cried the whole way there) but Tim was especially brave as he returned to where he lost his son and almost his wife. We all survived and The Lord continued to heal us as Judah or "Dewey" (Havah's name for him- meaning cherished or beloved) was born. It was laughter and tears of joy for the miracle of a healthy baby and healthy delivery.  While we were at the hospital, it was a constant reminder of our family's loss but also the miracle of having my sister enjoy a longer life here on earth. His presence was with us; peace and joy were in attendance. My sister's wonderful doctor is also my doctor and got to be apart of the healing. This thing was traumatic for more people than we even know. We all grow stronger everyday. The Lord's strength is what gets everyone through and towards renewal.

-Kahanah

Hebrews 11

The Message (MSG)

Faith in What We Don’t See

11 ^1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.