January 2015 Ups and Downs by Tim

Marriage is the central relationship in our culture.... Over the last six years Havah and I have had to face some of our most challenging days.  Though we went through deep sorrow and loss we gained so much wisdom and understanding of life and each other.  If I could zoom in on one significant lesson I would call it “Ups & Downs”.  The scripture that comes to my mind for this lesson is in Genesis when God creates Eve and gives Adam a “helper”.  The interesting thing about this scripture is the flip side.  Yes, Eve was a helper to Adam, but on the flip side Adam was also a helper to Eve.  In God’s amazing creativity and wisdom He made man and woman alike but completely unique.  They were better together because when one needed help the other was their to fill the gap. I found deep meaning in this scripture as we walked through pain and grieving together as helpers.  A funny thing I noticed about grieving is that men and women, though they go through the same steps of the grieving process, they hit the different steps at different times.  When Havah and I lost our baby at 39 weeks due to complications in the pregnancy; I was originally concerned with keeping the family functioning and sadness had no place in my schedule.  As the months went on I would see Havah having more emotionally “up” days and some normalcy was returning to our family.  It wasn't until then did I begin to feel sadness and sorrow for our loss.  I hit some deep pockets where I lost all motivation for the things I always loved to do.  I felt like my faith got into the ring with Mike Tyson when he was in his prime.  In this depression and hurt I found my need for a helper. It is here that I began to see God’s amazing workmanship in how He created men and women.  You see when she was hitting her major downs I was feeling stable and could be a helper to her through the pain.  Then, when she was feeling more stable I hit some of my major downs and she was there to be my helper.  We started recognizing  each others ups and downs and acting accordingly.  When I saw her heading into a “down” time I would move into helper mode where I would do more helpful things around the house, offer words of comfort and support, and give extra attention to the kids so she could have time for herself.  Sure enough she would do the same for me and it was so much help while the pain was so real. From this experience we now have this tool in our relationship toolbox.  We may not be going through such big ups & downs now but the same sensitivity to how the other is doing is still there.  There is something just life changing about being a helper, and having a helper in life’s painful downs has been life saving for me. Now for those times when you both hit a down don’t worry.  For our Lord has sent the ultimate helper…the Spirit of Christ- the Holy Spirit.  I have found this to be helpful: cry together, share your hurt and pain with each other and God, then say something funny so you can both laugh-cry really hard.   Written by Pastor Tim This is an amazing book! At The Father's House we highly recommend this book for anyone looking to deepen and grow the relationships in their life. "Keeping your love on. It’s a hard thing to do. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. But if you want to build healthy relationships with God and others, learning to keep your love on is non–negotiable. Adults and children alike thrive in healthy relationships where it is safe to love and be loved, to know and be known. Yet for many, relationships are anything but safe, loving, or intimate. They are defined by anxiety, manipulation, control, and conflict. The reason is that most people have never been trained to be powerful enough to keep their love on in the face of mistakes, pain, and fear." (Click to purchase on Amazon) Share Forward