Dec 23, 2015 Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

Oh Come Let Us Adore Him, 

Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

Four years ago, on Christmas morning 2011, I announced to my family that I was 7 weeks pregnant with my third child. At that moment everything seemed right in the world. That was the longest I had ever held my pregnancy secret from my family and friends. A few weeks after that very fun announcement, I went to the dr's and heard the baby's heartbeat. The Dr was pleased that we could hear it so early and so was I. I recorded the heart beat on my phone so Tim could hear it too. It was a very exciting time looking forward to this new life!  And to have Kirah and Zeke excited with me made it even better! Kirah was a baby when I was pregnant with Zeke so she didn't understand but now she knew it meant a real live baby doll!   

A few weeks later around 13/14 weeks I had my first ultrasound, my doctor was encouraging me to get it. It was a new series of tests that the state was offering. It tested the baby for all of these things that they can only measure at certain weeks. I didn't really care what it was for, I just figured I’d get a chance to peek into my baby and get some pictures!!  She said I could bring Tim and the kids. So, we made the appointment and everyone went down there. For the next few minutes we saw the baby on the screen he was so cute and playful and precious and perfect and we were just adoring his little face! We even thought he even though we didn't know he was a boy yet. Then the ultrasound was over, everyone was so happy. We just got to see this pint sized little cutie super early on in the pregnancy. I never had many ultrasounds with the other two kids so this was such a treat that everyone was there. It just felt amazing.

Then the tech came back in with the doctor, standard right? Then she asked to take the kids out. Now I was super confused like, "WHY?!" Then she kept saying he needs to talk to you and I was like “That's ok. They can stay.”

And she's like, "No, I really think they should leave." At that moment my world was shaken!  They took the kids out of the room and the doctor proceeded to tell us that our baby's neck was a few millimeters too thick and I’m thinking, "What on earth are you talking about!??? I have no idea what you're talking about." He kept telling us, this marker could be a big deal like a chromosome issue or could be totally nothing. We were so confused. So in just a matter of moments we went from a regular family adoring our new baby and dreaming of our future, to fearing for his life.

Over the next few week and months leading up to his birth we had many, many ultrasounds at each one we were excited to see our precious baby we dreamt about, who was full of love, life and promise! But we were also dreading all the bad things the Dr would say about him. It was really hard. In between appointments we would pray, worship, and have so much hope. It was a huge growing time for me and the Lord. He spoke to me led me to worship songs that really ministered to me and so many verses helped me sustain the storm.

When a doctor's appointment approached I would be nervous but hopeful for a full miracle. Knowing what a big, loving God we have I knew this was a real option. You know the way the story went. My little baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. We were hoping for T 21, Down's Syndrome, knowing that T21 would be the “best case scenario.”  But it was T18. Devastating news! One ultrasound tech literally told me this is not what you call “a take home baby.” He had a hole in his heart, he was small, but the rest of him looked great. But they said that his heart wouldn't kill him. They said all his chromosomes were coded wrong and that either I could just have a miscarriage at anytime or he would be born alive and one moment he would just forget to breathe. Devastating right!?!!

This baby we wanted, we prayed about him, we longed for him! How could we just give him up so easily? Not a chance! So time after time, they presented us with their “idea’s” and we countered with our decision of continuing the pregnancy. That was around five months. We went to the ultrasounds. Many many ultrasounds. Yes it was stressful. Yes it was hard. Yes I probably cried every single time before they started and then again on the way home. But the time I spent at the ultrasounds I just adored my little son. After he was born straight into the Lord’s arms at 39.5 weeks of pregnancy, many of my close friends and family came to the hospital to see my cute little 5 pound baby and to adore him. I couldn't even believe all of the love I received from knowing that the people I love came to love my baby. And they loved him too. It literally blew my mind and filled my heart with love, joy, and thankfulness. The life and death of Elisha has affected me in so many ways and it has grown me so much and continues to.

The 1st Christmas after my fun announcement met me with all sorts of emotions. I had to run out of Target one day because I was about to bawl when I saw a simple scene. A grandma held up a My First Christmas onsie her daughter looked at it was like, “No!” I mean the outfit was super ugly, but I would've given anything to have my child wear that ugly outfit for his first Christmas! It was supposed to be HIS first Christmas. I wish my mom could have bought my son an ugly outfit that I had to put him and I could have complained about it! Taken an embarrassing picture of him in it, then take it off, and throw it in a drawer. I was just all over the place emotionally because I was so thankful to be alive and raising Kirah and Zeke. I got to see my little sister get married Dec 1. What a blessing! But I just had this sad feeling on the inside that I couldn't understand or shake.

One Thursday at Community Bible Study, an all women’s interdenominational bible study, I was sitting downstairs with the older ladies and we were going to sing some Christmas carols. The song that came on was one I have heard a million times... “Oh come let us adore Him, Oh come let us adore Him, Oh come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord," but this time I just started to cry. I looked around and some of the other women around me were crying also. The words to that song are so beautiful and real.  And it really got me thinking about the people around me and all the feelings people have at Christmas time. All the miles of love and miles of loss these women have seen. It reminded me how important community is, how important Christ is to me.

Then it got me thinking about Mary. Oh Mary, what was that night like for you? 1st you turn like 15 so yay, you're engaged. Then an angel appears to you and tells you you're pregnant. Ok then, you "get to" go on this super long walk/donkey ride with your fiancé to have the government count you but while you're there you go into labor and have a baby in a barn! With animals watching. It's not like she had her mom, sisters and aunties all around her to root her on. To get her water, a nice warm blanket and tell her she not going to die. Just breathe through it Mary, you’ll will have that baby soon. She just had Joseph! Two first timers, in a foreign town, in a barn. Awkward and scary! Now, there is a baby popping out. Wow what a night!!  

Then imagine this a bunch of Shepard's start poking their heads into the barn. "Hi, are you the couple the Angels were singing about?" "What?"

“Did you just have a baby? We were in the fields and heard about your son from the Angels and we came down here to see him." Then they went out to tell everyone that he was born. Wow that’s cool! It says in Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Awe, the heart of a mother. I don’t think that being an unmarried pregnant woman in those days was a very sought after position to be in for herself or her family. Can you imagine how special and proud she felt when they came to see her? I can. What a wonderful feeling. She must have been relieved to see her son the angels spoke to her about all those months ago be born. Then later, wise men from the East are showing up with presents, old people at the temple want to hold her baby saying basically they can die now because they have seen the savior! What great confirmation that we are a part of God’s plan even when it seems hard and feels crazy. It says “The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him…and Simeon blessed them.”

I marveled at and adored my child and through him I was blessed in ways I would have never expected and by people that I never expected. I just pray that as we get deep into the Christmas season this week, we will all take some time to adore what the Lord has given us. Come let us adore Him! The good and obvious gifts and the gifts that take a little more pondering. Search out the father’s heart for the blessings in the midst of trials. My big prayer is that we can be a community that confirms that we are all a part of God’s big plans. Even the plans that are yet to be revealed to us, that we are sensitive to the beauty of the season, and reflect on joy and love. He is a good, good Father. Let’s let Him be that to us today and every day.

Father, I adore you and am so thankful for my many blessings and the ones that are yet to come.  

-Havah

March 2014 Best Day Ever!

So it happened, this family had the 'Best Day Ever!' as Hav would say. After 24 days of being approved our very first foster baby came into our family's life- today was a very exciting day. At this point it is temporary but of course their hearts desire would be for this to be a permanent situation. This precious little girl is so sweet and just being loved on by the whole family. They're meeting with the social worker tonight and Havah might get a few more details as to how this will go. Everyone's trying not to get too excited but in the meantime there is a precious new foster daughter/foster sister/foster granddaughter/foster cousin/foster neice and we are loving it! Continue to pray for God's perfect will for this little girl and this family. 

If you are wanting to get them something, they are registered at Target! 

January 2014 New Year, New You

New Year, New You.

This is the title of a teaching my sister did at our small group to start the year. She said the Lord has something new for each of us this year. Ask him what that is. Is it a goal? Is it healing? Whatever that is seek the Lord and go for it into 2014. 

Well, very new things are happening for this family. 

Tim has recently stepped into the senior pastor position at our church The Father's House. This is an exciting time for the whole family but also brings new challenges with energy and time. Your prayers are appreciated for all of us (my hubby is the new Associate Pastor too).

There has been a lot of healing inside and out. I am very happy to say that Havah is completely off of her pain medication! She still has some weird pain and weakness and stiffness in her leg and foot. She has depressing days or weeks but the Lord carries her through each one. They don't call it the grieving process for nothing...

The family is about to be put on the list for foster to adopt for baby 0 to 3 through the county of Los Angeles. So the past few months have been full of rearranging the house, organizing, paperwork, training, praying, interviews, soul searching, baby proofing and waiting... They've been very prayerful in this whole entire process knowing that a child could be with them for a short time or forever. They are excited to the possibility of being able to love and minister to these kids. The weird thing is that Havah turned in the application 9 months ago!!!! So you can understand why she now feels like a mom in her 9th month of pregnancy eagerly awaiting her baby. 

So it's my youngest baby's 1st birthday party today. We are so excited to celebrate him. He's such a joy and blessing to us. The weird thing is at this landmark I reflect on the loss of Elisha. I see an empty place and I re-feel moments of that whirlwind day when we almost lost Havah to heaven too. Not a day goes by that I'm not thanking The Lord that my #bfffb (best friend forever from birth) is here and doing great. I think about my pregnancy with baby J and I realize the guilt I felt. I didn't even feel like I could decorate his room till he was like 2 months old. I felt no motivation for it but just like God is, he took me to a level of healing one day & I became inspired to get it ready for him. That process of decorating and painting was a step in healing for me. Thanks for letting me write this, for reading it, praying for all of us, and helping me heal. That seems selfish since I didn't lose my son at 39 weeks and I day or almost die but I know I was traumatized too. In all this rambling I say thank you Lord for baby J and the healing you have brought us through his life! 

I'm sure Tobreah could say something similar as she goes through the ups and downs emotionally of her first pregnancy. Thrilled but terrified at the same time that history will repeat itself like it can. But The Lord is in control and we sit in his loving hands because that's the only truly safe place to be. 

-Kahanah 

Big Sister, wife, mama, daughter, believer

Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Proverbs 21:21 ESV

I got this text from Tobreah after I posted the blog:

This is totally God's perfect timing that you wrote this. On Wednesday night during worship at small group, I had a very emotional time with God about this very thing. He revealed to me that I'm a lot more scared then I'm leading on. Before I found out I was pregnant it was our prayer week for Homestead and Tim text me with this verse "Don't yield to your fear, for The Lord has found delight in you and has chosen to surprise you with a wonderful gift." God reminded me yet again about that promise. Even though we still don't understand why this all happened, I know that God has and will continue to fulfill his promises, and specifically when he promised The Felkers that "everything will be ok". Anyone who enters their home is blessed, so what a blessing for these babies that will be able to be a part of the family. 

Beautifully written as always big sis. Love you. T

August 2013 You take a sad song and make it a joyful noise again...

You take a sad song and make it a joyful noise again. 

Psalms 119:1-8 You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him. That’s right—you don’t go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set. You, God, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets  in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;  I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me.

Elisha's sweet prints and urn his daddy made.

You take a sad song.

Elisha Richard Felker would have been 1 year on Friday, August 9, 2013.

There's so many words but even this infinite blank page can't even hold them. There are so many directions this post could take. The loss of Elisha and the seriousness of what happened to Havah comes like waves over all of us; reliving the moments that took place and the pain. It hits her and Tim at the most unexpected times. The gravity of loss and the blessing is sometimes overwhelming. Hav says that she knows she was meant to be pregnant with him but it hurts just the same. All he ever knew was love. He never had his feelings hurt or fell down. He never struggled with any sin or ever felt shame. He has always known love, light, peace... He took a short cut to what we all look forward to. 

She still has the physical effects of the ordeal: pain in her leg and foot is better and she is lowering the nerve pain. She has improved so much and walks without a limp (unless she's really tired). As for her heart, it is still broken but healing everyday.

You make it a joyful noise again. 

Havah is still here to be a wife, to mother her kids, to be a sister, a daughter, an auntie, a friend, a daycare provider, a minster, a hostess, a prayer warrior, an empathizer, an encourager, a jokester, a giver, a party thrower, a gardener, a maid, a short order cook, a healer, a foster mom, an adoptive mom, a dreamer.

Havah is here and she is grateful.

Havah, Tim, and their minions
Kirah and Zeke as he turned 6!

She got to throw Kirah a party for her 7th birthday and watched her get a prestigious academic award at school (2nd grade). She got to watch our sister Tobreah walk down the aisle and be in her wedding. She watched Zeke learn to ride a two wheeler and was there when he lost his first tooth. She started a home group this past January (Homestead) with Tim at their house and it has played a big part in her growth and healing. She got to watch her nephew Judah Richard be born and laugh/cry as we all met him. She's seen the kids grow and change. She sees how loving, caring, and amazing they are. She's seen them have a very mature and sweet understanding of heaven and the realness of it. They talk about the fun Elisha is having.

She's been enjoying every part of the summer; soaking up the sun and playing with the kids. She is still continually blown away by how nice and caring everyone has been to her. It has truly blessed her beyond words. She knew people loved her but had no idea how how much until this year. She's been trying to uncover feelings and just digging into the nature of God. She's finding what he has for her life and trying to find her identity in him. She's loved having our cousin Robin be around this summer. She's also been able to love our Auntie Judy in a deeper way after she also suffered an immeasurable loss this past Fall.

She says she's, "Just ready for this big milestone to be over and to continue to grow our family thru adoption. When feeling sad I often try to take a breath and sit back and picture Elisha and all of the fun and joy he is experiencing in Heaven with so many other amazing loved ones we have lost along the way. And that usually cheers me up. I long for the care free lifestyle hanging out with the Son of God! Please keep praying for us."  

This week they will be meeting with a social worker to get going on the adoption process. They are very excited (and a little nervous) to see what the Lord has!

Thank you all,

K

Click on this for the inspiration of this post- listen to the whole thing or go to the 16th min. You take a sad song and make a joyful noise again

April 2013

Tim and Havah
Easter 2013

I was going to write a post on February 2nd but it got too emotional so I stopped...now it's almost May! Time sure flies.

Havah is still recovering from the ordeal. She started back at physical therapy last week and has been lowering her nerve meds. She still gets tired easier and sometimes she over does it with her 'bad foot.' Recovery of the heart, soul, & spirit is still underway and some days are harder than others. They wanted to be a family of five and have the opportunity to have a 3rd child but it just didn't work out as planned. They are praying that adoption will work out for them some day (hopefully sooner than later) so they can add even more love to their family. She has also working more hours watching the kids at her home childcare.

On February 7th Havah welcomed her nephew Judah Richard into the world (middle name after his grandpa and his cousin Elisha). This was obviously not a normal birth experience for us all after what we had all been through months before. It was filled with different feelings- excitement of course but also anxiety to return to the labor and delivery floor where it all took place on exactly 6 months before Judah's due date. Lucky for us, he came on the 7th so it wasn't exactly 6 months later. It was hard for all of us to go there (I cried the whole way there) but Tim was especially brave as he returned to where he lost his son and almost his wife. We all survived and The Lord continued to heal us as Judah or "Dewey" (Havah's name for him- meaning cherished or beloved) was born. It was laughter and tears of joy for the miracle of a healthy baby and healthy delivery.  While we were at the hospital, it was a constant reminder of our family's loss but also the miracle of having my sister enjoy a longer life here on earth. His presence was with us; peace and joy were in attendance. My sister's wonderful doctor is also my doctor and got to be apart of the healing. This thing was traumatic for more people than we even know. We all grow stronger everyday. The Lord's strength is what gets everyone through and towards renewal.

-Kahanah

Hebrews 11

The Message (MSG)

Faith in What We Don’t See

11 ^1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

December 2012

This Family's Christmas Tree!

It was one year ago at Christmas that the news was shared that Havah was pregnant at our family Christmas celebration. We had NO idea what the next 10+ months would have in store for her, Tim, and this precious baby. But here they are! Their hope is in The Lord and his promise to turn ashes to beauty. What a strong family.

Tim's gift to Havah for Christmas 2012
Each kids' birthstone

November 2012- Thankful

 The Felker Family at Thanksgiving.

This month Havah reentered the world of independence! She has driven by herself, picked up her kids from school (and mine), run errands, brushed her teeth without sitting down, and emptied the dishwasher without taking 3 breaks. She went to a Kindergarten Thanksgiving performance, she got the kids ready and made it to church on time, and went to Costco by herself! She went to a bacholorette party and walked down the aisle and stood as our baby sister got married!! She was able to enjoy herself at the wedding although her dancing skills were at a minimum...

These things that she (and all of us probably) had taken for granted are all signs of recovery. She is thankful.

This has been a good month. Her foot still swell, gets discolored, and hurts but it's so much better.

She wants to thank everybody who pitched in to bring dinners and helped her out in October & November when Tim was gone. She's so grateful!

Our younger sister's wedding December 1st
A new start for us all !

Keep up those prayers for my sister's heart as she physically heals and feels like she's missing a little guy who'd be turning 4 months on Sunday. Leaving the house wondering what she forgot and realizing she is missing her baby who isn't here. XXOO

November 11, 2112 Watch out World!

After a very emotional week we have a major success...Havah drove for the first time since August! Today she decided it was the day. She got in that mini van (after Tob backed it out of the driveway) and drove 5 mins to church. She did give herself a little foot massage after but did great. Kiki said it was exciting but a bit scary :) Gotta love kids! Thank you for your continued prayers and don't stop. It's been the sustaining power through this whole experience.

Tim is gone again for 7 more days and then won't be traveling again till the New Year (thank God!!). Prayers for strength for both my sisters, the kids, and Tim as they push through (and Tob plans her wedding that will be here in 3 weeks).

We love you all and thank God for you!

October 30, 2012

Havah's getting out and about more this week but still has bad pain. Keep up the prayers for her spirits and body. Tim is still gone and it's hard for all four of them. The kids are doing a great job taking care of Havah though (as you can see in the picture below). XXOO

October 25, 2012- celebrate!

We all have to shout a celebratory 3 cheers because yesterday was a monumental day... Havah wore shoes!!! And socks! This is a big day for her. Up to now she had only worn slippers and flip flops which both hurt. She did hurt pretty bad by the end of the day but it was a big accomplishment and she wanted to share her excitement.

October 21, 2012

It's been a little while since our last update and 10 weeks since this all happened. Havah is definitely in a better spot now but it's proved to be hard in different ways.

The nerve medicine she's on has begun to help with the pain but... the major downside of the meds are dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, cotton mouth, and the fact that it takes about 1 1/2 hours to kick in.

Another hard thing is that everywhere she goes people are being so nice asking about her leg/foot but the question, "How did you hurt your foot?" is heart wrenching. This injury is not a daily reminder of the pain of losing a child, it's every minute.

Please pray with us that God will heal this nerve quicker. She is stuck between the past and the future. She desperately wants to move forward but is trapped in the nightmare. There is SO much to be thankful for and she is.

Thank you for your faithfulness to pray, check up on her, sending $, gift cards, meals... It's been the grace needed to function with 2 kids & a busy schedule.

A major goal of her's is to drive again. Please pray this will happen soon! Pray for Tim and the family as he goes away for almost 2 weeks this next trip. Pray for strength Tobreah as she steps up everyday to take care of Havah's childcare business, Kiki & Zeke, and Havah while planning her upcoming wedding. And for all that support them. Thank you isn't even enough but thank you!! XXOO

A text I got from Havah this week-
"I read this yesterday in my devotional book...We should never give ourselves the freedom to doubt God or his eternal love and faithfulness towards us in everything."

September 30, 2012

Havah & her toothless wonder

Havah went to the ultrasound appointment on her leg on Monday and a nerve doctor on Wednesday. They pretty much both gave her the same results- wait for it to get better. She's glad nothing is abnormally wrong but she's tired of that answer. 

Just wait is what they told her this entire journey! The baby has extra fluid at his neck at the 12 week ultrasound and it could be Down Syndrome or Trisomy 13 or 18 but just wait. The baby has a hole in his heart after the 16 week ultrasound and his hands seem to be clenched, just wait. The blood test came back positive for Trisomy 18 and he may not live to delivery, but just wait. That's been the theme and my sister and Tim have been so gracious throughout it all depending on the Lord and trying to stay hopeful. Now is no different and the Lord is teaching them each things through this next chapter but it is very taxing and discouraging at times that the recovery has taken so long. 

This next month is going to be interesting for them and honestly hard. Tim is going to be out of town almost the entire month. Tobreah will be taking on a lot more responsibility and we are hoping that Havah will be able to do more.

We can't thank you enough if you have brought them meals. If you have it on your heart, please sign up to bring a dinner in October. This relieves so much pressure for them.

You can click here to go to this website take Them A Meal.com

Hav & handsome Zekey

September 23, 2012

Hey friends! Thank you for your continued prayers and support for Havah and family. We all continue to heal with her as the weeks go into months from the date of this traumatic event. God is so faithful to do that and bring peace when needed. Church was so awesome today as the Lord ministered to all of us. The kids are doing great and are established into this new season: soccer, elementary school, and Awana. This is all awesome & hard for her at times since her mobility and energy are limited.

She is so done with this pain and the Dr has decided to check for artery flow. Tomorrow morning she will have an ultrasound on her leg & foot.

A special thanks to all you meal bringers: from close friends to friends we haven't seen in years! Tim says he couldn't have gotten through the past weeks with out the dinners. The need is still there for those of you who feel that you want to do that.

Thank you, thank you! XXOO

September 17, 2012

From my sister:

Turned a Corner- August 9 @ 7:00pm

Havah is stable and showing signs of improvement. They think she will be here for at least a week. Tim just left to go be with his kids and get some rest. She is still in ICU in critical condition but is breathing at 80% oxygen on her own. No one but immediate family is allowed in to see her. Thank you for your prayers & PLEASE continue to pray for her healing & for the family.