Seven years ago today, my baby boy was born but didn’t arrive with a heart beat, air rushing into his lungs or with his eyes open. We knew that was a possibility due to his situation. In fact, we couldn’t forget that possibility since the doctors constantly reminded me at every single appointment. And I had many, many appointments. In fact, they routinely asked me if I still wanted to carry him to term. I had options with a “baby like that.”
As many of you know, Elisha had a rare condition called trisomy 18 or Edwards Syndrome which effect less than 20k babies per year. He had an extra chromosome on number 18 it is a complication that is “not conducive with life”.
However, my son made it past the first trimester. Then, he made it past the second trimester. At my later check ups he was over 5 pounds, so I was feeling pretty good. I thought maybe, just maybe, he’s the one who’s going to define the odds. I thought maybe, will see a miracle today!
On that day 7 years ago, we did see many miracles, but we just didn’t see the one we had in mind.
When you don’t bring your baby home from the hospital with you it’s hard, really weird, and frankly devastating. It’s a strange thing to go into the hospital pregnant after almost 10 months of carrying a child to leave empty handed.
Since that time I have had so many awkward moment and questions I did NOT know how to answer. Some were as simple as, “How many kids do you have?” That innocent, small talk question would put me into a absolutely frozen state not knowing how to answer. I knew that if I said the truth, the person’s face would drop and sadness would revisit us. Many times, I felt like I was lying by leaving him out, just to protect the stranger from my personal reality.
Or people asking/ stating to me over and over in regards to losing him that “Can’t you just have more kids?.” That made we want to scream and shout. YES, I CAN! Of course I can but that not the point!! My baby literally just died hours before he was born!
Or looking at a family photo and feeling sad knowing how incomplete it was. It’s hard.
Or one of my favorite awkward moments was when I was picking up my kids from school 6 months after everything happened. I hadn’t been on the campus much and I happen to look just like my older sister (who’s kids attend the same school) We get mistaken for each other all the time. The principal is one of those people. He came up to me that day and said “I hear there’s a congratulations in order... so what is it a boy?” My heart sank and I froze. How could he have not heard!? It was already 1/2 way through the school year, February! Did he not hear about what had happened? I panicked and went white and completely quiet. Then he throws in, “So your an Aunt again! How many is that now?” At that moment I realized... oh my gosh, my sister Kahanah just had her 4th boy Judah and all the kids were late to school so we could go see him. 💕 I said thank you and walked away but not without sweating and laughing a little from that one!
Losing a child is weird because it is so personal and a part of you. He grew in my body and my heart. It was on my mind constantly and I was storing so much trauma in body. Even though I wasn’t trying to it made everything run through that lens. I’m sure many of you can relate to that.
Now 7 years later, I have one picture of Elisha on my bed. One ultra sound framed from his baby shower on my dresser. I have his little hand and foot prints in my hallway. I walk by them everyday but I hate to say this- 7 years later, I’m not actively thinking about him every day. I feel so bad admitting that but it’s true.
The Lord has blessed me so much with giving me a heavenly perspective on this chapter of my life. Heaven became so real that day. I could almost touch it. It made me not scared to die. It made me see things in a whole new way. It made me more thankful for everything; especially for being a mom and alive to parent them. It taught me to fight for the people I love, even if I don’t get to be with them. And so so much more. I see God’s grace and the evidence of His hands throughout my journey with Elisha and in fact through every day of my life.
Ever since I was young I wanted to adopt but as I got older it seemed too big and complicated. After everything that happened over those 39 1/2 weeks carrying Elisha, the Lord grew me in ways I will be forever thankful for. He open the door to my heart and to our home. In the next couple years we were able to welcome my two younger kids into the family. And guess what? Their birthdays happen to sandwich his birthday- May and September with Elisha in August!!! When I noticed that, it just warmed my heart. I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling that that a kid (well, kids) that age were meant to be in my home!! God knew I would get a kick out of that.
I love the Lord even though a really really suckie thing happened to us. He’s so good you guys. He was there with us the whole time: walking beside us and holding onto us. He never felt distant or disappointed with us. All God’s promises are “yes and amen.” Early in the pregnancy, just after I heard something was wrong, I felt like God was telling me “everything was going to be OK.” For a little while after Elisha didn’t make it home I was disillusioned and felt like that promise didn’t come true. And it honestly really hurt my feelings. Now though, I see it. Everybody is okay. And everything is okay. Elisha is okay. He’s better than okay! He is dancing and partying in paradise and we are okay. I was blessed to fulfill the dream God put in my heart to adopt. Planned on one but ended up with two! Lucky me. A double blessing. So today, here we are: here together waiting and living our best life until that day we meet again. Happy Birthday #7
I love and miss you Elisha, we wish you were here but we are okay even though you’re not.
See you soon
❤️Mom
