"You have the authority to win over anything that sets itself up against the goodness of God." -Time With Jesus
That is true but not always easy. I have been struggling with my thoughts this month about October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month because I am constantly aware that I've lost an infant. Although my time spent with Elisha was not a total loss.
I had this weird, amazing experience to be able to carry a baby for 39 1/2 weeks. He was literally carried his entire life. I never put him down to get something done. He never felt separated from me in any way while he was alive. He listened to the constant beat of my heart and then he was delivered straight to heaven.
Sometimes when I think about it all that happened (and me almost passing away that same day) it just feels like a strange nightmare. Then I have to remind myself that it really happened. I look back on those long hard months with all the doctors giving me the worst case scenarios, telling me my baby wasn't getting better, telling me I should just get rid of this baby and start over. Telling me that I would most likely never have a baby with T 18 again. Who says that to a mom who is in the middle of a nightmare? Basically, your baby you prayed for isn't important to us. You should just throw it away and save society money. Save yourself from the pain. Shield your heart and be humane by letting go and 'terminating' this pregnancy.
I thought they were crazy and cruel and they thought I was crazy and cruel to let my baby have a chance when they thought he had none. How can you just start over when you are carrying this life inside of you and all you want for them is to live and breathe and to be okay. In what world is it OK to tell a mom you should just get a new baby the new baby will be better. It's so sad because that's what they really thought and believed. In their educated scientific Dr. experience that's what they thought was the best decision. But I'm not from this world and that is one thing no Dr. understood about Tim or I. We have a champion in heaven looking out for us.
I did have my feelings hurt from God that Elisha wasn't 100% healed the way I wanted him to be. He is healed 100% but not on this side of heaven. And I am still dealing with that but as time has passed I have gained new perspective on it all.
This week I was reading this kids devotional book called Time With Jesus. I read this line it says "you have the authority to win over anything that sets itself up against the goodness of God " My first thought was, well Elisha didn't get healed so therefore we didn't win. Then as I thought about the line more and more and my situation, I started to think our situation was definitely set up against the goodness of God and began to feel like we did win. Although we suffered a huge loss here on earth, in the spiritual world we won. We never bent on what we believed. We've been tested, been pushed to our limits, and in our greatest time of need we remembered where our strength and comfort comes from. We have turned to the Lord and he met us every single time. I miss Elisha I miss my idea of who he was going to be. I look at his little porcelain hand and foot prints every night before I go to sleep. Every night I touch them and just think 'Aw, he was going to be so sweet, probably funny, perfect, I'm sure cute, an amazing sleeper of course, and he would love the Lord.' I want all of my kids to have amazing lives, pain free and filled with love and in the end to go to Heaven. Elisha got a free pass and skipped right to the end. Kind of lucky!! This life here on earth is but a breath in eternity. We will be there before he knows it. He doesn't miss us but we sure miss him.
Now with this tragedy our family has been given the amazing opportunity for a win: to raise in love two kids that are almost his exact same age!! 2 kids that needed someone to champion for them, to love them, and to fight for them. To be there for them and be their family. Something we always hoped we might do in our lifetime but would have (maybe) never had the courage (or fill in the blank _____) to do it. Our story is a win.
Thank you Elisha for your time here on earth. Thank you Lord for giving us this win and for the opportunity be more than conquerors!
